Blogging is really weird to me when I stop and think about it. I sit here, spilling my knowledge or my heart into my keyboard, knowing that my words are about to be sent out into the universe and I have no idea where they will end up. I have no idea who will read those words (if anyone), who will be changed or offended by the words I’ve written, or if anyone will even see those words that sometimes come from hours, and hours, and hours of hard work.
Then, on the flip side, I sit here and read words from others. They didn’t write with me in mind, but I’m someone that found their words anyway. Sometimes it leaves me conflicted, excited, inspired, confident, or even unsure. But it almost always changes me in some way.
And yet, these words that I write and read are only the words that aren’t being held back – they aren’t the whole story. They are the words that we approve to be let loose into the world and they stem from the stories we’re okay with sharing. Yet there are so many things that go unsaid. Photos that go unshared. Tears that go unnoticed.
Maybe it’s because we met our post quota for the week. Or the story isn’t even ours to share. Or that the person the story involves reads our words. Or that we just haven’t processed how we feel about a situation yet. Or that it’s just not that interesting. Or maybe it’s an entirely different reason. Whatever the reason, a part of our true self never gets the opportunity to shine through in our words.
For some, that may not matter. It may be preferred and ideal. And for those people, I’d say you’re doing exactly what you should be doing and I commend you for that.
But for me, it stirs something deep inside of me that leaves a feeling of uncertainty as to why I’d even bother if that’s the case. I’m an honesty is the best policy kind of girl so if I’m not really sharing the good, the bad, and the ugly – what’s the point? Isn’t that only one side of the coin? Isn’t there more to what shapes who I am, even when it’s not shining the most positive of spotlights on me?
When my husband and I first met, I didn’t hold back. I was me, flaws and all. And it’s become the most important relationship in my life. I’d like to believe that alone is a sign that I obviously did something right. While I’d just met him, and had no idea that he’d be the man I’d marry and build my dreams with, I’d like to think that something in me knew that being myself with this stranger was the right thing to do.
And I think that same something is telling me that it’s the right thing to do here, too. Even though I know why I do it, uncertain of how it may affect our business, there’s something stronger than that fear/uncertainty that’s urging me to step further out of my comfort zone. And I’m ready to follow that calling.
I have plenty of posts already circling in my head that I’ve been wanting to write for ages now, but I also don’t believe in just tiptoeing into things. I like to rip the bandaid off all at once. So, in order for me to feel like I’m actually doing this and not just talking about doing it, here are a few things I’ve been holding back on –
I still struggle with anxiety and depression. Some days it seems like it doesn’t exist and some days it feels like a vice grip that’s twisting my stomach into knots and turning my brain to mush. I know what makes it worse, but I struggle with what makes it better. Negativity from other people makes it about 100x worse so if I’m having a really rough day with either one, I tend to steer clear of any social interaction with anyone – my husband included.
I’m not religious at all. I’m interested in learning Buddhism and becoming more spiritual, but that’s about it. Even though my family had me baptized when I was younger, I’ve never read the Bible and the only time I set foot in churches are for funerals, weddings, or sometimes when we visit some of my more religious family members.
I stopped being a vegetarian for health reasons. I spent nearly 10 years being a vegetarian and had to stop for multiple reasons. I still struggle with my decision to eat meat, but I’m healthier now which I will be eternally grateful for. I’ve focused on eating local, only eating certain types of meat, and knowing which brands mistreat animals which has actually taught me a lot more than when I was a vegetarian.
I’m fairly certain I will never be content. There’s a Subaru commercial where this kid and his dad go to these amazing places, like the Grand Canyon, and the kid just isn’t as impressed as the dad thinks he should be. On the way back, they are driving and a buffalo (I think?) comes up to the car and that’s what impresses the boy. While I’m sure I’d be blown away by the Grand Canyon, I see myself in that kid. As soon as I’ve experienced something and that shiny new feeling wears off, I’m ready for the next adventure. Ready to have my mind blown again. I’m a collector of experiences and I can honestly say that I will never have enough to make me content with my life.
I have so much more I want to share, but everything else is pretty lengthy and even the things I listed deserve posts of their own. So I’ll leave you with this:
If you’ve been holding back and you’re content with it, by all means – keep doing what you’re doing. But if you’ve been holding back and you’re unhappy with it, change it! Share your story.
Even if it’s in the comments to this post or in an email to a stranger if you don’t want to use your own blog. Be free from your own restrictions and stop judging yourself through someone else’s eyes. Because I for one want to know you – flaws and all.
[Tweet “On Holding Back in the Blog World”]