Sometimes I use this little space as a journal. A place to collect those thoughts that just need to get out of my head and onto a space where I can read, reread, digest, and process. Not nearly often enough, but sometimes.
Today is one of those times. Not because I planned on it, and not even because I really want it to be. But simply because life happens. And instead of a creative, inspiring pin-worthy post that I had planned to write yesterday – I had nothing to give but the thoughts in my head. Even though they aren’t the most positive of words, I do know they are worth sending out into the universe in hopes of something changing the same ol’, same ol’ routine.
Lately, the only word that seems to describe how I’m feeling is overwhelmed.
Overwhelmed with work. Overwhelmed with household projects. Overwhelmed with the blog. Overwhelmed with family and the holidays. Overwhelmed with pets and our marriage.
Looking at that list makes me incredibly sad. To see so many things I love and consider myself fortunate to have making me feel so rundown is never something I had wanted (who would?) But there they are, filling me with joy and yet at the same time – leading to sleepless nights and days that feel like they’ll never end.
Don’t get me wrong – I love my job. I love our house. I love this blog. And most importantly, I love my family and my pets and especially my husband. I wouldn’t trade any part of my life for something else, even with the constant weight on my shoulders.
I’d just prefer a little slower version of this beautiful, abundant life.
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One where sleeping in didn’t feel like it ripped apart my days. One where eight, nine, even ten o’clock wasn’t a common timeframe for the end of my day. One where I didn’t spend every waking moment thinking about some sort of to-do list. One where I did things that didn’t include technology because I actually had the energy to do something more than create a deeper butt-print on the couch.
One where quality time with my family was rarely, if ever, squeezed in between every other thing I have to do.
Every time I feel like I’m turning the corner to an easier, less hectic life, I realize I’m just as far as I was before – if not farther. And to be honest, I’m not sure what to do. If I let go of anything that’s filling my cup a little higher than I’d like it, I’m letting go of something I love. Something I can’t imagine my life without.
Pile on the fact that I want more out of this way too short, blissful life and I’m lost.
So today, I’m checking my creativity at the door. And I’m going to indulge in a little bit more family time while the dishes go unwashed and the laundry doesn’t get folded. It’s may not be my life’s answer, but it’s today’s answer.
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And right now – that’s good enough for me.